Congratulations here are your 19 tips to become a FAKE BLACK BELT MASTER on ANY Martial Art Style. This is the Charlatan Survival guide!
1.-Learn from Youtube, magazines and movies: The first thing you need to do is to find a martial art school, a good one, take a lot of pictures of you there training, with your classmates and your instructor, then quit when you get orange belt so you can save money, then buy some magazines, rent some movies and go to youtube and learn on your own.
2.-Go from School to School: You got your orange belt, you don’t need more, for now, go to another school for the free trial week then to another, don’t forget to take pictures so you can show them to your future students later. Save money and get some color belts from Ebay.
3.-Get your own black belt:People like black belts, now that you have pictures of you on several schools is time to get your black belt, find a master with a few students and see how easy is to buy the black belt rank, for a few dollars you can even get it with a certificate.
4.-Photoshop your certificate: I know it is hard to get a black belt certificate sometimes… if you could not get the certificate then use your creativity and with the help of photoshop you will have one in no time, add a few dragons, Chinese letters and use oriental fonts.
5.-Create your CV: Do you like to spar?? other REAL black belts might ask you… so create a list of tournaments in remote places where none of them would ever go…but tell them you were there, you can always get some trophies on Craiglist or eBay to back you up.
6.-Create your own system: Yes! create your own system, that way you can auto-promote yourself! you can call it anything you want, maybe some fancy name?? you can create a patch too!
7.-Cheat at tournaments: Go to tournaments but little ones to places people don’t know you, since they don’t know you join beginner divisions so you can win them easy. Just in case grow a beard and mustache…another tip: if you spar you can pretend to be hit in the face or groin so the other can be disqualified, trust me it works!
8.-Create your Own master overseas: One way to fool anyone is to create tell everyone your master lives in another country, you also need to create a story that you went to train with him, you know no one will ever go there, work on the story so you don’t get caught.
9.-Photo Opportunity: Never, never ever lose a photo opportunity with a real master, whoever that one is, just get the picture taken and put it on your facebook, so you can tell everyone you trained with them as well.
10.-Time to affiliate: Now that you got your black belt from eBay and got your black belt from photoshop is time to get affiliated, google an association with a few members, those will get you in right away. If they deny your application then you can create your own affiliation so you can affiliate yourself.
11.-Time to collect participation certificates: Any time there is a training camp or something like that go, pretend you are trying hard, take long restroom brakes and then stay until the end so you get good pics and your certificate signed by the real master.
12.-You and real black belts: Now that you have built your own stuff try not to compete against real black belts, they’ll kick your butt on the spot, so it is time to be friends and fake a chronic injury.
13.-Promote yourself: When you think you deserve another degree on your black belt from eBay then don’t find a master for a rank exam… you will probably fail, try to find another master like you and you could even exchange diplomas and promote each other, then celebrate with a few beers.
14.-Get your costume: You need a nice costume…sorry I meant to say Uniform. Add colorful patches, a few flags, some tigers… now it is time to look at the martial art magazines you bought when you were an orange belt, look at the real masters and add some color to your uniform. Golden letters, Chinese letters…
15.-Talk about yourself: Whenever you go to a tournament, demo, training camp or even party TALK ABOUT YOURSELF, tell everyone how many tournaments you went, all the times you have applied your “knowledge” on the street, that your own style is better, that you know Chuck Norris and helped him once…bla bla bla
16.-Talk about others: the best way to make everyone believe you are better is to talk trash about everyone, say they don’t know that much, say they like to drink… You might have to know that some might try to find you to kick the crap out of you… so become a ninja and hide.
17.- Call yourself “MASTER“: Don’t look for someone to give you credit, you’ll have to pay or might have to train for real! The thing you’ve never done… so call yourself a master and when others like you start doing the same then upgrade to “grandmaster”, that will sound better.
18.-Trick your students: Now that you are a “MASTER” you might get a few students who might follow you, probably they’ve never seen a real master so you’re good to go. Train them, make them do whatever you have never done, then send them to a tournament, if they ever get a trophy then take pictures and show them to everyone you know, that might get you more students. If you need money to get a six pack you can offer them a rank for a few bucks, there is always someone buying…
19.-Never admit your errors: Don’t admit your errors, trash talk to those who are trying to reveal who you are, promote more students to higher ranks… they will back you up for free.
Now that you have read this step by step guide you can easily identify where you are:
a.-If you identify yourself with 3 of these then you are a bad instructor/master.
b.-If you identify yourself with 5 of these then you are a Charlatan.
c.-If you identify yourself with 6 or more then you are close to becoming a Super Charlatan Master.
D.-If you identify yourself with all of them… then move to Alaska because in California or any other state you will get your A** kicked in no time.
E.- If by any chance you know any Super Charlatan who did the 19 steps buy him a Mc Donald’s Kids Meal and take a selfie with him.